LOOK BUT DON'T TOUCH

 

Some 19 years after I first worked with this woman, albeit not for very long, I was miraculously reconnected with her through a third party via Facebook.

What happed next between us would forever change the course of my life and give birth to "Handsome" Paul and my unusual wife search!

The following true story was how I met her and was written by me almost two decades ago ... 

...

Like a lot of young, girlfriend-less, adult male slackers I suppose, I was a naive, nineteen year old virgin when I accidentally landed an ordinary, ho-hum serving job at an unknown steak and buffet restaurant back in the early nineties.


The aspiring beige and teal restaurant I was to work at, located in a far western suburb of Chicago, was in the middle of a messy and lengthy remodeling job when I was hired so unfortunately for me and my anorexic wallet, I couldn't start working for them right away - though as luck would have it, the construction company remodeling the restaurant was looking for an immediate general laborer.

The construction company which was in dire need of some cheap and temporary help, which I was overwhelmingly both, was run by a couple of sandy haired, hard working, and oxen-like brothers who wasted very little time in giving me the job despite my overall lack of experience.

 My willingness to put in long hours and work for six dollars an hour proved to be the only qualifications I needed. Looking back on it, I’m surprised I didn’t quit within the first day or two of working considering my extreme dislike for physical laboring though somehow and quite miraculously, I managed to endure and even enjoy the job by the time it was drawing to a close.


The hard and physically demanding work I was “cruelly” forced to endure on an hourly basis had surprisingly put a newfound swagger in my step, callous on my hands, and a thin layer of newly defined muscle on my previously gelatin-like physique.


 I was actually starting to feel like an honest to goodness, real life man for the first time in my metro-sexual life.


 The kind of Clint Eastwood, macho-like, blue collar man who would ruggedly chew tobacco, spit, and thrash a man at the slightest perceived insult.





I had also hoped, though not expecting miracles, the newer, tanner, stronger, and more masculine version of me would stand a better chance with the ladies.


 Maybe macho Paul could do something sissy Paul couldn’t, like going out on an actual date!

Fantasies aside and soon after my brief but no less exhilarating delusions of self grandeur, (right around the time the construction company was wrapping up its work on the nearly completed building) the restaurant’s training staff of mostly attractive, twenty something year old women had arrived, unbeknownst to me at the time.


 It was during this bumbling and chaotic transition period I first gazed upon a woman who would unknowingly enchant and haunt my mind for well over 17 years and counting.

The first time I saw her, innocently enough, she had her back towards me and was vigorously cleaning a table top before momentarily pausing to wipe the glistening sweat off her beautiful right brow.


The instant she slowly turned around and unknowingly faced me, while wiping the back of her right hand against her snug fitting khaki pants, I immediately looked the other away in embarrassment so she wouldn’t notice I was staring at her.


 Though in all truthfulness and even as I pretended not to be looking at her, I couldn’t stop gawking at her out of the corner of my left eye.

She was a petite woman, from what I could initially see of her, who stood about five feet three inches tall and probably weighed somewhere in the neighborhood of one hundred and one hundred and ten pounds.

 She had the most innocent, beautiful, and angelic looking face I’d ever seen in a woman not to mention a high forehead, a cute as can be nose, a heart stopping smile as radiant as it was infectious, flawless and perfectly tanned skin, long thick dark brown hair, soul inspiring eyes, a mouthwatering figure, and the rare ability to look both sexy and cute at the very same time.


 She looked like the all American girl and the girl next door every guy dreamed of.


She was hands down and by far, the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.


(I think I know how Romeo felt the first time he saw the girl of his dreams)

Being a waiter and serving the general public wasn’t something I particularly wanted to do, nor was very fond of, but the idea of pocketing cold, hard cash on a daily basis was too enticing for me to have passed up, especially since I was almost financially and morally bankrupt at the time.

 It certainly seemed like a better and more lucrative option than getting paid every two weeks or monthly as I'd been accustomed to at my other dead end jobs.


 Plus, the fringe benefits of working at this particular restaurant were just a little too tempting for me to have simply walked away from.

Would you believe me if I said my decision to stick it out and give it a try wasn’t influenced in the least by the stunning, pixie-like brunette I saw earlier in the restaurant?


 I didn’t think so and you’re absolutely right, it had everything to do with why I wanted to stay and work there.

But first things first and before the various owners and managers of the steak and buffet restaurant would even dare open up their new establishment to the ever critical taste buds and opinions of the finicky general public, the entire disinterested serving staff had to attend a mandatory meeting held by two of the company’s current and highly esteemed waitresses.


 Turned out the petite brunette I’d been drooling over was one of the trainers and the only thing I remembered about the meeting was learning her name was Diana.


 Other than that little tidbit of information, I hadn’t the faintest idea as to what she said or did during the entire duration of our meeting as not only was she drop dead gorgeous, but she also had a very soft and feminine sounding voice that completely and utterly mesmerized me whenever she spoke.


 I felt an overwhelming sense of calm and peace whenever I heard her voice, like somehow everything was going to be all right.

Somewhat predictably and shortly after the conclusion of our mandatory meeting, just seconds after I floated back down to earth and came to my dim witted senses once again, we were instructed to pair up with a fellow waiter or waitress so we could practice and demonstrate what we supposedly learned during our “all important” meeting.


 When it was my turn to practice and showcase some of my raw but still developing serving skills, I heard a familiar and divine voice just behind my left shoulder say,

“If you guys have any questions or if there’s anything I can help you with, just let me know.”


Wow, I thought, as the hair on my arms among other things rose to attention. My dream girl just spoke to me, almost even touched me … how cool.

On the restaurant’s highly anticipated opening night and much to my giddy satisfaction, Diana unexpectedly but politely approached me to correct a problem she'd observed in my Neanderthal serving technique.


Apparently and on more than one occasion she softly stated, I set my greasy server tray on the tables of customers as I casually tossed about individual meals to everyone as if I were a black jack dealer inside a saloon, a big no-no in the restaurant world I was told though I couldn’t have cared less.


Thankfully, it wouldn’t be the last time Diana helped me or came to my rescue that night as I constantly fell behind and struggled throughout most of my work shift.

During the latter half of the restaurant’s frantic opening night, I couldn’t help but wonder why Diana was helping me out so much especially since there were other waiters and waitresses who needed help just as badly as I had.


Was I that pathetic I kept thinking or was this how she was with everyone else and I just hadn’t noticed until now?


 Either way, the more and more she helped me the fonder I became of her.

During some down time during my first day or two of working as a waiter, I overheard a coworker say she might go with Randy and Diana to a nightclub called Hurricanes after work.


“Randy?” I wondered.


 Randy was the manager of the restaurant.


 The guy was balding and looked like he was in his middle to upper forties while Diana, on the other hand, looked like she was probably in her early twenties at the most.


 Was Diana sleeping with the manager?


 I would’ve guessed she was dating an over-muscled, rich college frat guy who probably drove a sports car, wore designer clothing, and talked incessantly about how much he bench pressed.


 But hey, to each their own I thought.


Maybe she preferred the attractiveness of money and power over the look of youth and brawn, to which I only had one of the four qualities.


However what I am for certain is, I would’ve gladly done or given anything back then to trade places with my restaurant manager even it meant losing most or all of my thick black hair, aging twenty something years, and gaining a hundred plus pounds as long it led to a single hug or kiss from Diana.

I don’t remember if it was the first or second night after the restaurant’s grand opening but I do remember what happened just before closing time on one of those seemingly ordinary nights.


It came as a complete and total shock to me, as I was going through my closing duties for the night, when a woman, who also worked for the restaurant, crouched down across from me as I vacuumed underneath one of the tables I waited on and told me her name was Randy.


She casually mentioned how she and my serving trainer, Diana, were good friends and after a few minutes of pleasant but politically correct small talk, she uniformly began to debrief me about the inner workings of my personal life with a seemingly endless barrage of predetermined questions about myself.


 I couldn’t believe it, an honest to goodness, real life woman was actually talking to me and I thought she might have even liked me on top of it.


Now ordinarily, I would have been on cloud nine and doing back flips if something like this would have happened to me before I met Diana, but all I could think about at the moment was how Randy was a woman and Randy the manager wasn’t the one Diana went out with at night.

Even though I never held out hope Diana and I would ever hook up, it was a relief to know she wasn’t shagging the manager.


 Meanwhile, Randy seemed more interested in talking about Diana and me than anything else and as an end result of our conversation I started daydreaming about the possibility of Diana using Randy to scope me out.


 But like most dreams of glory I suppose, the more I began to think about this utopian-like scenario, the more likely it was Randy probably just didn’t know what else to talk to me about. I wasn’t exactly the most outgoing of guys or even someone who was easy to approach.


I was very shy around women and often gave the impression of being distant and uninterested.


 Turned out Diana and I were both nineteen years old and living with one of our respective grandmothers.

There were so many times during the first few days I worked with Diana where I’d catch her doing something so sweet and kind I couldn’t help but daydream being married to her.


I couldn’t have created a woman any better than her.


It was if she was the design of my imagination ... A dream girl come to life.


 Like the time she invited me and another shy and dorky waiter I was hanging out with at the time, to come eat with her and another female coworker even though neither of us considered ourselves cool or attractive by any stretch of the imagination.


As simple a gesture as it was, no woman had ever asked me to do that before nor do I remember what we talked about or even if we talked at all.


What I do remember however, even after all these years, was the way she sat Indian style on her bench seat nibbling on her food … she couldn’t have looked any cuter.


(My world was lonely, indifferent, colorless, and incomplete until Diana walked into it ... The following is what I hoped and prayed would happen between the two of us)

If you'd like to continue with this story, click on "Older Posts" below or click on the individual chapter links in "Blog Archive" located in the upper right hand column of this page.

FALLING IN LOVE

There had never been a period in my life, however brief, where I’d spent as much time primping and grooming myself as I did when I worked at the restaurant.

 Diana of course, was the sole reason behind this phenomenon as everything had to look and smell just right for her.

 Working with Diana was like a dream come true as I couldn’t wait to wake up each and every morning knowing Diana was going to be a part of my upcoming day.

 I loved ... and I mean absolutely loved, going to work and hearing the sound of her voice as I playfully watched her ponytail bounce and sway as she gracefully walked back and forth throughout the restaurant.

Every moment I saw her ... was like seeing her for the first time.

God was she beautiful.

(This was pretty much how I envisioned her)

It was also nothing short of a miracle when my acne riddled and nuclear explosion of a facial complexion mysteriously cleared up just hours before Diana and I would meet for the very first time.

 Even to this day, I’ve never had better looking facial skin than I did at the time.

 I have no real tangible explanation for it, other than it just magically disappeared the night before Diana and I would meet, as hard as that is to believe.

 It was also just as hard to believe and fully comprehend why Diana was spending so much of her time with me, an extremely dorky and ugly looking nineteen year old geek, rather than some of her more attractive male coworkers.

Whenever I fell behind or needed assistance at work, which was quite often and sometimes done on purpose by me, Diana would always be close by and ready to help.

 I just assumed she was keeping a watchful eye on me because I was a horrible waiter who needed constant supervision.

 The future, however, would provide me with an altogether different explanation.

During the first week of the restaurant’s opening, something happened to me I still find hard to believe as it was by far, the biggest surprise of my life and one I’ll never be able to forget.

 It singlehandedly changed the direction of my life and steered me upon a path I’ve never been able to return from.

 It’s tormented me all of my days since.

This unforgettable and twilight-zone-of-a-moment occurred when Diana approached me at work one evening, completely out of the blue, and asked me what I was I doing later on.

 Amazingly, I managed to keep upright as I mumbled out the incredibly stupid words, “I don’t know.”

Diana, who I think was somewhat surprised by my non-answer and lack of enthusiasm, hesitated for a moment before she coyly informed me she was staying at the Comfort Inn Hotel in Downers Grove (Illinois) - along with the rest of the training staff from the restaurant - as I stood in front of her gazing at her as if she was a little green alien from outer space.

 She went on to tell me, as I continued to stare at her in utter disbelief, “You should come over,” and me being the moron I am responded with, “What’s there to do over there, do they have a pool?”

 “There’s a Jacuzzi,” she sheepishly smiled at me and said shortly before our conversation was rudely interrupted because of something work related though I don’t remember what it was.

 The restaurant could’ve been on fire for all I cared. I was in the middle of a lifelong dream, to hell with everything else.

Five seconds later...

“Oh sweet Jesus, oh God, what have I done?”

 “You stupid, stupid, stupid, idiot … what was I thinking?”

“Why didn’t I just say yes?”

My sheer stupidity and overall demeanor with Diana hit me like a ten pound brick the second she hesitantly turned and walked away from me and sadly, it could have just cost me the opportunity of a lifetime.

 But even amidst all my regret, sorrow, and inner crying, there had never been a single moment in my life where I was filled with as much hope and optimism as I was shortly after Diana asked me to come over.

I felt like Rudolph the red nosed reindeer right after he discovered the doe he liked also liked him in return.

Especially when he began flying through the air screaming, “I’m cute … I’m cute … she thinks I’m cute!”

Unfortunately, that feeling wasn’t all Rudolph and I had in common as we both had physical flaws yet to be discovered by the females of our affection.

 In Rudolph’s case, it was a big shiny red nose and in my case, it was some big shiny red zits.


Thank goodness Diana still asked me if I wanted to come over before either of us left work for the day considering I wouldn’t have even though she made the first move.

Fortunately, there were no screw ups or brain farts the second time around as I calmly responded with a yeah when she asked me if I wanted to come over again.

 The images and fantasies I created during the remaining few hours of my workday were as vivid and imaginative as anything I’d ever dreamed.

Was tonight the night I’d lose my virginity or was she only asking me over as a friend I wondered.

 Did she invite other coworkers to join us as well?

Perhaps she was just trying to be nice to me because of how pathetic I looked and acted at work, though I guess it didn’t really matter since all I really cared about was seeing her again.

Now a normal person would have showered and cleaned up before heading to a beautiful woman’s hotel room but not me … nope … I decided to go to my friend’s house to do some good old fashioned bragging.

This woefully pathetic occurrence must have happened on either a Friday or Saturday night because two of my closest friends and I usually got together on these wild party nights to play Nintendo baseball at my buddy’s house, or his parent’s house I should say, and that’s exactly where I found them that night.

 I was so excited and eager to tell them a beautiful looking woman had invited me to her hotel room, I didn’t even lie to them and say she wanted to have sex with me.

 Instead, for one of the few times in my life, I told them the truth and I didn’t know who else would be there and what, if anything, we’d eventually end up doing.

I was so awestruck and dumbfounded whenever Diana spoke to me, I would seemingly forget everything she said to me, including the directions to her hotel earlier in the day.

 Luckily, I was able to remember the name of her hotel and what town it was in so I could call ahead for directions.

 So like a beloved but unproven king slowly riding atop a beautiful, all white stallion towards the lowered drawbridge of his Camelot-like castle, all the while in the midst of a kaleidoscopic downpour of colorful -  swirling flower pedals and thunderous applause, I unknowingly became the king of my own destiny by bolting out of the safety and comfort of my adoring kingdom and out unto the unknown frontier to conquer and slay a mysterious and dangerous looking dragon that could forever define and shape my legacy as a man, metaphorically speaking that is.

 So after receiving congratulatory goodbyes, envious stares, and good luck wishes from my best of buddies, off I went to Diana’s hotel room on what I hoped would be the night of nights for me.

Would Diana tell me she liked me?

Would I get to kiss or even have sex with her?

The hopeful nervousness I felt on my journey towards Diana’s hotel room that night was something I’d never experienced before, at least not to that degree, and I didn’t even know if she liked me.

 Maybe I was nothing more than a sympathetic coworker to her?

Even though I didn’t really know anything about Diana, it felt like I’d been waiting for her my entire life, almost as if I had dreamed her into my existence.

 Everything about her was perfection to me, like a fantasy come true.

I’d fallen in love for the very first time.


(This video pretty much sums up how much Diana was on my mind -albeit it was her face doing this )

GOODNIGHT

There it was, the Comfort Inn Hotel, a rather unspectacular and somewhat ordinary looking, brownish, three story brick building just east of the 355 north-south tollway.

 The closer I got to the forbidding and castrating hotel, at least it sure felt that way the nearer I got to it as I seriously thought about turning around and heading back home, the more nauseous, nervous, and weak-kneed I became.

Every gut wrenching inch I drew closer to the virgin intimidating hotel, my hands began to grow colder and sweatier by the millimeter while a panic induced fear raced up and down my entire frenetic body as I frantically pondered worst case scenarios.

 Everything seemed to be falling apart as I pulled into the hotel parking lot a complete and utter mess.

Terrified and afraid, I sat slumped in my car seat, like the cowering wimp I’d always been, and began checking for things like bad breath, boogers, unzipped pants, zits, bad odor, smelly feet, and other potential embarrassing downfalls before I was finally jolted awake by a thundering bolt of testosterone, thus allowing me to take some decisive and manly action for one of the few and rare times in my woefully tepid life.

Maybe the time had finally come for me to turn into a man and tonight was the night I’d say goodbye to the boy in me and hello to the man, or so I hoped.

If tonight, indeed, was the night of nights I was destined to become a man, it certainly didn’t appear that way as I spent the entire time walking from my sloppily parked car to Diana’s hotel room wiping my sweaty hands up and down the front of my beige colored pants in a whirlwind of colossal nervousness.

I dreaded the thought of Diana greeting me with a princess-Diana-like handshake then screaming in unimaginable horror when she felt the cold, sticky wet dampness of my sweaty right hand.

I also managed to forget, though not surprisingly, Diana’s room number by the time I stumbled into the hotel lobby like a drunken sailor out of a dockside saloon.

It took about a good fifteen minutes of nervous and tension filled praying and cursing, while pacing back and forth like a rabid hamster, before I was finally able to settle myself down and narrow her possible room numbers down to three.

Then with all the stealth and creepiness of a future stalker in the making, I went up to each of the three, second floor hotel rooms I suspected she might’ve been inside and listened for her one of a kind voice only to be disappointed by what I didn’t hear, though one of them did have some non-discernable noise coming from the other side of it.

So after wiping my waterlogged hands against my slightly soiled pants one last time, I timidly went ahead and knocked on the door I hoped and prayed she was behind.

To say all of the unwarranted but understandable nervousness I felt nearly paralyzed me when Diana opened the door would be an understatement, as it was also a fairly accurate description of me as I stood fluttering in fear in front of her doorway.

Especially when the warmness of her smile melted upon me as she graced the inside of her hotel room looking absolutely stunning.

But then wouldn’t you know it, just as soon as I stepped foot inside her dimly lit hotel room, with about as much poise and grace as a drunk on stilts I fear, I noticed a dark haired, chubby looking woman sitting casually on the bed closest to the door.

It was her friend Randy, who I had hoped wouldn’t be invited.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” Diana immediately said to me upon closing her hotel room door.

“What took you so long, did you get lost or ride your bike?” she asked me in a tone of voice I had never heard from her before.

“No, I stopped at a friend’s house after work,” I  hesitantly replied, as I tried to remain as cool and aloof as possible.

“Did you have to work late?” she then questioned me.

“No ... Why?”

“You’re still wearing your work clothes.”

“I haven’t been home yet,” I said, while still lingering over her question about riding a bicycle over.

Why in the world would she ask me that I wondered?

 Did she view me as wimpy and un-masculine?

After exchanging hellos and some standard, boring pleasantries with Randy, ( As she sat on the edge of her bed listening to and watching Diana and I ), I clumsily hustled my towards the only chair in the room and pounced on it as if I were involved in a life or death game of musical chairs.

I had no idea what, if anything, I was doing or even attempting to do as I nervously sat hunched in her chair like a frightened five year old kid in a dental office, nor did I know what was going to happen between the three of us and for about the next half hour or so, Diana, Randy, and I just sat around and talked though most of the time I just sat in my chair and listened.

What I didn’t know beforehand, was Diana shared her hotel room with Randy as everyone from the restaurant’s training crew had to room with a coworker.

As much as I enjoyed talking to Randy earlier in the week, I didn’t feel comfortable talking to Diana with her in the room.

All I wanted was to be alone with Diana and for Randy to get up and leave.

“Do you party?” Diana unexplainably asked me out of nowhere while I secretly wished for her friend Randy to disappear.

 “Why?” I asked while trying to look as manly and cool as possible.

“No reason, I was just wondering,” she said while slightly shrugging her shoulders.

I wonder why she asked me that I contemplated.

Was I being a party pooper?

 Maybe I should’ve tried looking more relaxed and initiated more of the conversation between the two of us or maybe I should’ve smiled and laughed a little more often.

Whatever the reason had been, it left with me with little choice but to unveil my secret weapon as I slowly nudged my shirt sleeve up my arm (With the slight of my right hand) so Diana could bask and revel in the wonder and glory of my bulging left bicep, or at least that’s how I imagined it looking.

I didn’t want to do this, not on the first night anyways, but I had to show Diana what she’d be missing out on if she decided not to see me anymore.

I just hoped she’d hurry hope and notice because my left arm was starting to hurt from flexing.

How could she not notice I wondered.

After a month or so of hard construction labor and lots of summer sun, my “guns” were looking as good as they ever had.

But apparently my left bicep wasn’t as mesmerizing as I thought as Diana never even gave it a quick glance, though in my defense the room’s visibility was rather dim at best ... or so I like to tell myself.

I tried to act as calm and cool as possible throughout the night, sort of like John Travolta did in the movie Grease, while sitting in my chair pretending this type of get together was no big deal because of all the women I’d obviously been with.

But just when I felt like things were about to turn for the better and something good was about to happen, someone started pounding on their hotel room door.

“I knew it!” I screamed inside me while throwing a temper tantrum of epic proportions inside my head.

“Now the room was going to be filled with a bunch of horny coworkers muscling their way in on my woman.”
 

“What the heck?” I griped to myself, knowing full well what was going to happen as I sat slouched in my chair dreading the onslaught of testosterone about to stampede into the room.

Surprisingly, though certainly not unwelcome, two very attractive blonde haired women came strolling through the door.

Apparently, they were friends of Diana and Randy from what I could tell as I slyly tried to eavesdrop on their conversation.

However, the only thing I could think of as they entered the room and started to mingle, was the chaos they must have all caused whenever they went out together.

They were by far the prettiest collection of women I ever had the privilege of being with in one room with Diana of course, being the center piece and crown jewel of the bunch.

After the two bubbly and very talkative blonde haired women politely acknowledged and greeted me, as I sat in my chair like the bumbling idiot I was trying to stick out my chest in the hope it would make me look more muscular, they began gossiping about stuff I couldn’t have cared less about.

All I heard or shall I say saw, was one of the blonde’s breasts bouncing up and down every time she got overly excited as she talked and after what seemed like an eternity but was probably closer to thirty minutes, they quit their coma inducing chit chat and left.

Maybe now I’d finally get the chance to talk to Diana alone if only Randy would cooperate by falling asleep or perhaps, however unlikely, leaving.

The more I tried to assure myself it was only a short matter of time before Randy would fall asleep or leave, the more impatient and frustrated I became since it was already close to midnight and the mood of the room had changed dramatically.

The nervous, electric energy that seemed to be bouncing off the walls just an hour or two earlier had all but disappeared.

With the lights off, the television on, and no one talking, I continually kept peeking out of the left corner of my eye to see if Randy was dozing off but with no such luck.

I knew it was getting late and almost time for me to leave, especially since everyone had to work the next day, and just as I was about to get up from my chair, Randy looked at me somewhat sympathetically and said,

“She’s asleep ... she’s been working really hard.”

You’ve got to be kidding me I thought, she fell asleep!

What did I do wrong?

Was I that boring?

Why this night of all nights?

Though in the grand scheme of things, I guess it didn’t really matter what her reason had been for falling asleep, it sure as heck wasn’t a good way to end the night considering the delicate state of my overall psyche.

But even amidst the chaos, uncertainty, and disappointment of the night and as much as I wanted to be angry at Diana, I couldn’t help but tiptoe over to her bed and quietly pull her half drawn covers up to the top of her beautiful and lightly thumping chest.

She looked so angelic and peaceful as she slept I knew at that very moment the luckiest guy in the world would be the one who got to wake up to Diana each and every morning.

As much as I wished and hoped it was me, I knew it would never be.

She was so completely and astronomically out of my league I didn’t even consider the trillion to one possibility she might have actually liked me for me despite my many flaws and annoyances.

Maybe if I were to become a millionaire she’d consider dating me I fathomed.

But then again who was I trying to kid, how could someone like her fall for someone like me?

I loved her but … well look at me I thought.

How could someone as beautiful and lovely as her ever love someone as ugly as me?

Unlike the beast in the movie, The Beauty and the Beast, I wouldn’t be turning into a handsome prince with a castle and servants.

( If only ... )


My future seemed more likely to unfold inside the weeping walls of a homeless shelter or if I was real lucky, perhaps a cardboard version of a mobile home at best.

So after saying goodbye to Randy and insisting Diana’s napping was nothing to apologize for, I opened their hotel room door and headed on back to the loneliness of my grandmother’s unsympathetic living room floor.

As I drearily and almost tearfully drove my way home that night, my entire body felt like it was crumbling into a tiny billion pieces.

I had seen something so unbelievably and breathtakingly beautiful I couldn’t imagine living my life without it.

My head kept telling me to be sensible and logical, but my heart wanted nothing of the sort nor would it bother to listen.

All I wanted was to be with Diana, to know her, to touch her, to hold her, and to love her, but how?

I certainly couldn’t make her love me ... could I?

So with that very thought and question echoing throughout the empty hallways of my trailer park of a brain, I stayed awake for the remainder of the night staring at the blankness of my grandmother’s living room ceiling wondering what my ill-fated love had in store for me the days and weeks ahead.

There was something so special and un-describable about Diana’s beauty, it seemed to serve as a forewarning to me.

If only I would’ve known just how right my instincts were that fateful, August summer night ... if only I would’ve known.

( To wish impossible things?  I certainly did )

DRESS TO IMPRESS

There’s something different about the beauty of a summer sunrise after you’ve kissed the night away dreaming about love and even though the outcome of last night’s festivities didn’t play out the way I'd hoped, there was still a slight chance Diana might ask me over again later in the day.

Since it was already too late to try and salvage some sleep for the day, especially since I slept on the busy runway of my grandmother’s living room floor, I figured I might as well get up and do something about one of the more embarrassing mistakes I made just hours earlier.

My decision not to go home and change into something other than the dirty, smelly work clothes I’d been wearing all day was just plain stupid.

Never again would Diana see me after work still wearing my filthy, food stained green polo shirt, maroon apron, and disheveled khaki pants.

Tonight if she asked me to come over again, I’d be dressed to impress.

Now all I had to do was find something more appealing to a gorgeous nineteen year old hottie rather than a dorky, nineteen year old geek.

So having thrown caution into the wind, I decided to bypass all of the big discount retailers I usually patronized in favor of the more upscale and considerably more expensive offerings of the finer clothing establishments located inside the local mall.

Like water and oil and cats and mice, so to were fashion and I.

If ever there was an oxymoron it was me being fashionable.

But desperate times called for desperate measures and what I was compelled to do next required all of the perseverance, will power, and courage I could muster.

I had to willingly shop inside the mother and toddler infested local mall and pay for a bunch of overpriced, name brand clothing I could have easily gotten cheaper somewhere else.

But then of course, that would have defeated the whole purpose of my field trip since I wanted the fancy labels, names, and shopping bags that came with the extravagant prices inside the shopping mall.

For one of the few and rare times in my life, money was no object to me.

I was willing to spend and wear whatever it took to impress Diana … no matter what.

My brief exposure to and impression of Diana’s fashion tastes, outside of work, led me to believe she was more of a hippy type of chick who would prefer to wear a necklace of beads or seashells over a necklace of silver or gold.

So after careful consideration and countless hours of shopping inside the belly of the beast, the shopping mall that is, I confidently picked out a couple of fashionable short sleeved shirts and shorts and just to make sure my selections were as stupendous and trendy as I thought they were, I asked a young and nicely dressed saleswoman for her opinion on my obvious good taste in clothing.

To say she was somewhat dumbfounded and amused by my fashion choices would be putting it mildly at best, the first clue coming when she asked me if was going on vacation to Hawaii.

I thought it was rather ingenious of me to chose a pair of colorful, flowered dress shirts in order to impress a woman with a down to earth demeanor.

I could tell by the way the sales lady was biting her lip she was trying not to laugh at me as I told her what I was trying to accomplish.

She politely recommended a different line of clothing more suitable for a young lady’s eyes while kindly helping me select a pair of silk, short sleeved shirts and a pair of jean shorts.

One of the shirts was black with gold colored leaves while the other one was tangerine colored with an array of yellowish, greenish shapes and figures that looked very hippy-like, or at least to me it did.

Last but not least, I needed to buy some underwear other than the predictably boring, white cotton briefs I wore every single day of my life.

They weren’t what I needed for the impression I wanted to make on Diana, I needed something with more pizzazz.

Something that would show her even though I looked like a mild mannered goody-goody on the outside, I was a sexual tiger ready to unleash his beastly passion on the inside.

So being the brilliant and romantic guy I was, I bought a tube of three animal printed briefs symbolizing the zebra, leopard, and tiger.

With spontaneous and romantic planning like this, does it surprise you I never had a girlfriend or even a platonic female friend during my entire life?

I didn’t think so.


(If the only way to keep Diana in my life was to dream about her ... I would've gladly stayed asleep forever)

PILLOW TALK

My strategy for dealing with Diana the following day at work was simple ... and immature and stupid, as I planned on avoiding her at work and acting as if nothing memorable happened between the two of us the night before.

She'd have to come to me if we were going to talk, I defiantly told myself.

I so desperately wanted to maintain the illusion I wasn’t really interested or bothered by anything she said or did.

I didn’t want her to know just how much I really cared for her or how afraid I was of getting hurt by her.

If I would’ve stormed my way into work that day and immediately sought her out as I so desperately wanted too, I would have come across as nothing more than a pathetic, love sick teenager ... which I was.

Besides, if I had gotten to clingy or told her how I really felt about her, she might’ve been inclined to stay away from me and I definitely didn’t want that to happen.

So with my battle strategy intact and after I finally arrived at work all psyched up and determined to work my idiotic and machismo-like plan, though at the same time terrified at the prospect of ignoring my dream girl, I casually strolled into the chaotic midday hustle and bustle of the restaurant like I didn’t have a care in the world even though the entire time I was looking for Diana out of the corners of my eyes.

Fortunately, she didn’t take my initial cold shoulder treatment personally as I would have done.

Diana, acting and being more of an adult than I, apologized for falling asleep and said she was just tired from working long hours and it was nothing personal.

She then went on to ask me if I wanted to come over again to which I enthusiastically said yes even before she could finish asking her question.

She had no idea, or at least I don’t think she did, of how badly I needed and wanted her to ask me over again and how there was no other person in the world I wanted to be with more than her.

But unlike the first exhilarating time I was invited to Diana’s hotel room, there would be no running off to my buddy’s house this time around after work as I immediately drove home so I could re-groom myself like there was no tomorrow.

My sole focus and train of thought was on trying to impress Diana later in the night.

I even successfully shaved with a hand razor for one of the few times in my life and splashed on some ancient and unused generic cologne I received for Christmas ... many, many years ago.

To top off my appearance, I put on my brand new jean shorts, one of my hippy-looking silk shirts, and my leopard spotted underwear … just in case.

On my way to Diana’s hotel room that night, almost as if it were part of a dream, I prepared ruthlessly for what I hoped would be my first real kiss with a woman, yet alone a beautiful woman later in the night, by stuffing my mouth with an assortment of minty flavored chewing gum and breath mints.

I could definitely feel the difference in my overall attitude and confidence as I pulled into the hotel parking lot for the second time in as many days.

The only thing I was really worried about, as I rode the elevator up to the second floor of the hotel, was how Diana would view my designer clothing.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t have been caught dead wearing what I was wearing, but the sales lady at the department store convinced me of my clothing’s ability to appease the eyes of the opposite sex.

So with my newfound wardrobe and confidence intact and feeling good about what the night had in store for me, at least compared to the previous night, I exited the elevator with a spring to my step only to feel the thin layer of hope I possessed quickly turn into a hurricane of despair the instant I saw Diana and three other individuals walking straight towards me.

There was Diana, her roommate Randy, and two guys I had seen at work but never met before.

When our paths awkwardly collided in the hallway, Diana casually asked me if wanted to go to the store with them and since I didn’t have much of a choice considering she was already on her way out, I promptly responded with an over enthusiastic yes.

What else could I have said under the circumstances?

Call me oversensitive, call me whatever, but it stung when I saw Diana attempting to flee the hotel knowing full well I was coming over.

Didn’t she care or even consider the possibility of my arrival when she was gone?

Though I guess it really didn’t matter as she could have said or done anything to me and I wouldn’t have held it against her, I was head over heels in love with her.

So much so, if the devil himself would’ve promised me ( In exchange for my eternal soul ) Diana would get to spend the remaining days of her life in total bliss all the while in the arms of another man, I would’ve gladly agreed to it, no questions asked.

I would've walked to the ends of the earth until my dying day, if only for the chance to look upon her one last time.

There was just something about her I didn’t want to live without.

She was just that special ...

... ... ...

More than she'll ever know.

So with everybody crammed inside a newer and reddish compact car, off we sped into the dark summer night going God knows where to do God knows what.

To make matters worse, we were being driven rather hastily and dangerously by the more rotund and acne riddled of the two other guys in the group while the other guy sat shotgun trying to act like a hard ass.

Diana, Randy, and I, thank God, sat scrunched together in the backseat of the car while practically sitting on each other’s laps, much in the same way a group of hamsters nestle in the corner of a ten gallon aquarium, while violently swaying back and forth inside the intoxicated vehicle.

You’d think sitting so tightly next to Diana would have been a dream come true for me ... and it was … sort of.

On a positive note, I could feel the smooth and massaging softness of her beautiful left leg rubbing up against mine but on a negative note, she could feel the dense furriness of my hairy right leg brushing against hers.

As much as I wanted Diana’s leg to touch mine, I tried in vain to keep them apart ... for her sake of course.

Diana probably felt like she was sitting next to a descendant of Big Foot or the missing link between humans and chimps.

Of all the genetic traits my family, more specifically my father, had to pass on to me this had to be one of them.

My gorilla-like hairiness might’ve just cost me an opportunity to kiss her later in the night and in hindsight, I should’ve known better than to wear shorts instead of pants especially when in the captivating presence of such a beautiful and alluring young woman.

During our short ride to a then unknown store destination, Diana asked one of the guys in front if he could play one of her cassette tapes and to play a certain song on it.

I wasn’t a big music guy at the time so I hadn’t the faintest idea who the group was or what the name of the song was called.

All I knew was I had never heard it before and Diana and I probably had different tastes in music.

Eerily the lyrics of the song described me and the current situation I found myself in, almost to perfection.

 For example,

“You’re so very special ... I wish I was special ... but I’m a creep … I’m a weirdo … what the hell I’m doing here … I don’t belong here … I don’t belong here.”

Years later I found out the name of the song was called Creep by a band named Radio Head.

As much as liked sitting next to Diana in the car, I thought I was destined to be stuck the entire night riding around with three other people I didn’t want to be with.

Thankfully, all we did was stop at a convenient store to buy some overpriced munchies and beverages.

Let it be known I was a complete gentleman, or fool depending on how you look at it, and insisted on paying for Diana’s purchases to which she kindly obliged.

When we finally arrived back at the hotel parking lot, none the worse for the wear, the two guys who had been with us immediately took off and disappeared into the hotel which seemed like a rather strange and odd farewell but couldn’t have made me happier since the less testosterone and competition around the better.

The only thing I was really worried about on the way back to Diana’s hotel room that night was the bright lighting inside the hotel.

I could just picture the horror on Diana’s face if she saw the savage hairiness of my legs under the unforgiving microscope of fluorescent lighting.

I made sure I stayed well behind her and out of her immediate sight the entire time we walked from the hotel parking lot to the inside of her hotel room.

Not until my hairy legs were safely hidden inside the darkness of her room did I start to feel somewhat comfortable again.

Once inside Diana’s chilly hotel room, I promptly took a seat on the only chair in the room, once again, while Diana and Randy eagerly plopped down on their respective beds to enjoy their meals and for about the next fifteen minutes or so, everyone stayed exactly where they were at while awkwardly eating, drinking, and watching television without ever saying a word to each other.

I was so shy and paranoid about my naked, hairy legs after they were harshly exposed by the glaring light of the television set, I never initiated any conversation between Diana and me.

I just sat there like the moron I was, imitating a giant piece of deadwood as I sat there motionless and expressionless, never making a sound while eerily staring at the television set in a mummy-like trance.

Then just like a hypnotist snapping her fingers at a highly impressionable patient, I was immediately brought back to life the instant Diana asked me to come sit with her on her bed ... which I never saw coming.

She used her small and seductive, petite right hand to lightly pat the area of the bed where she wanted me to sit.

I could have easily fainted or thrown up right then and there if not for the fact I was too busy trying not to shake and giggle with virgin-like excitement as I slithered my way onto her cozy looking bed.

I didn’t know what the heck was happening inside me once I nervously joined her on her bed, inches within touching her in all her splendid beauty.

I was nervous, excited, scared, terrified, and in love all at the same time and within minutes after pretending I was watching television with Diana, on top of her bed, she turned to me and said,

“Feel this,” as she reached up with her left hand to lift and pull some of her beautiful, thick, dark brown hair away from her, while using her right hand to pinpoint a knot in her hair.

“Can you see it?” she asked.

 “It’s huge!”

“No,” I innocently proclaimed as I ever so slightly shook my head while staring at her hair in complete bewilderment.

Diana, seemingly fed up with my temporary blindness or lack of honesty, quickly picked up my complacent left hand and placed it on the very spot she wanted me to see.

This was awesome I thought as I touched her beautiful soft hair even if it was just a clump as she liked to refer to it.

Maybe I would even get to kiss her I anticipated while trying to hide my rapid "excitement" with my quivering right hand.

At least my left hand was no longer a virgin I devilishly thought to myself ... seeing as it finally touched a woman and all.

A short while later and just minutes after losing the virginity of my left hand, in a dorky sort of way I know, I continued to act like I was interested in watching television while Diana unexpectedly retrieved a pillow for me before flipping over on her stomach and channel surfing.

I quickly took her lead and lied on my stomach to watch some more television and as I did so, I noticed Randy had fallen asleep.

Diana and I continued to lie on our stomachs for about fifteen minutes in complete silence while watching a television show called Three’s Company before Diana suddenly and without warning turned the television off.

With nothing to distract us, Diana quickly pushed herself up from her stomach and lied on the right side of her body with her feet facing the television set as I anxiously followed her lead and lied on the left side of my body.

It was hard to believe what was happening to me as I lied in complete darkness right next to the woman of my dreams and on her bed to top it off with our heads resting on our individual pillows only inches apart.

I was so unsure of how to act and what to do next I asked her what she was thinking.

“Nothing,” she calmly whispered in my direction.

“What are you thinking?” she asked me in return.

“Nothing,” I whispered back at her.

I could tell conversation wasn’t going to be on the menu for the rest of the night.

For about fifteen minutes or so, Diana and I lied motionless on her bed staring directly into each other’s eyes without ever saying a word to each other.

They were the most beautiful and precious fifteen minutes of my life and minutes I wouldn’t have traded for all the money in the world ... and still wouldn’t!

It was the single most romantic and memorable moment of my life and something I’ll always remember and be grateful for.



To be continued ...